My Sadness...

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My Sadness...

Post by BlueCoverman on Tue Mar 13, 2012 8:06 pm

First topic message reminder :

My Dad was diagnosed with the curse that is dementia in 2008. I have mentioned it on here previously and have corresponded privately with Old Shanker whose own Father suffered a similar fate. Having seen him deteriorate from the brilliant, intelligent and articulate man that he was to a point where he had to be admitted to hospital in late January was something that I have found incredibly difficult and upsetting. Now six weeks later we try and get to the hospital to see him on most days.

My only small crumb of comfort was that my Mother, who has done a fantastic job as his main carer, could start to get her own life back a little. A very social and entertaining lady, she has many interests and a wide circle of friends. In late February after a routine visit to her GP, a blood test showed some worrying results. An Ultrasound scan and a CT scan followed and yesterday we received the devastating news that she is suffering with cancer of the pancreas. The despair and desperation that I feel for her this morning, so soon after Dad's decline, is difficult to describe.

I know that most of us have to face up to sadness at some time in our lives. I read Doc's moving story of the loss of his daughter recently and LadyPutt mentioned losing her Mother to the same disease as my mine. However, I fear that there are some dark days ahead and I feel completely unprepared to cope. Thanks for reading
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Re: My Sadness...

Post by 1GrumpyGolfer on Sun Mar 03, 2013 9:39 am

Echoing OS Blue, I hope that everything goes as well as it can for you and your family Hug

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Re: My Sadness...

Post by BlueCoverman on Mon Mar 11, 2013 9:27 pm

Mum's funeral today, wish us luck.

Horrible weather this morning, freezing cold and a driving snow blizzard. So much for a nice spring day to see Mum off.
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Re: My Sadness...

Post by scarpa on Mon Mar 11, 2013 9:45 pm

very sorry to hear your sad news blue. best wishes for the funeral today.
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Re: My Sadness...

Post by Davie on Mon Mar 11, 2013 10:56 pm

Definitely in our thoughts today Blue, As you say, dreadful day for it but I'm sure you'll give her a good send off anyway. Hope things go as well as can be expected
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Re: My Sadness...

Post by Mary_S on Wed Mar 13, 2013 12:02 am

Thinking of you Blue.
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Re: My Sadness...

Post by 1GrumpyGolfer on Wed Mar 13, 2013 12:45 am

Blue, I hope yesterday went as well as can be expected. Thinking of you and your family

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Re: My Sadness...

Post by BlueCoverman on Wed Mar 13, 2013 1:10 am

Well what a bitterly cold day it was yesterday, my heart sank when I saw the snow in the morning but everything went very well. Well over 200 people at the church service and quite a few had to stand. A lot of people said to us what a beautiful service it was and that was pleasing to hear.

I managed to read my tribute to Mum, with nothing more disastrous than a couple of pauses for some deep breaths. I read a poem titled 'She is Gone' which is a lovely piece of work and is quite uplifting and I spoke about Mum's life, in all I spoke for nearly 10 minutes and I am so glad and pleased that I found the strength to do it. An ex business partner of mine had some major changes in his life a few years ago and took a major career direction change to the clergy. He is currently the vicar at Barking in Essex and he read the tributes written by my sister and her two children and he did an excellent job. The final hymn was 'All things bright and beautiful' and the choir managed to get the verses in the wrong order which would have appealed greatly to my Mother's sense of humour.

At the graveside it was freezing cold as Mum's coffin entered the ground, but my dear Father who has been suffering with dementia for five years and is now in a wheelchair and barely able to speak, refused to put his warm hat back on until the ceremony was complete. Bearing in mind he is pretty much unable to understand anything now, it was a very touching and emotional moment and one that I will never forget.

At the wake we had catered for 150 people but they coped with the extra numbers very well and professionally as I hoped they would. Dad seemed to cope reasonably well and after discussion with the nurse who was looking after him we decided to take him to the wake and it was a fantastic bonus that he was there for one and a half hours before tiredness took over. So many people were delighted just to be able to sit with him and talk to him about old times, although obviously he did not recognize them or was able to talk back to them.

Many people came up to us to congratulate us on what a wonderful day and send off we had given Mum and how proud she would have been of us and me for the tribute that I gave her, which was all very nice to hear.

A lot of Dad's relatives came up from Brighton for the occasion, so I do hope they all got home safely as the news reports this morning said that the snow was particularly bad in Sussex last night. Hoping to snatch an hour away from the office this afternoon to go down to the church to take a look at all the flowers on the grave as didn't get a chance to do that yesterday.

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Re: My Sadness...

Post by Davie on Wed Mar 13, 2013 1:55 am

Blue - sounds like you gave Mum a worthy send off
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Re: My Sadness...

Post by 1GrumpyGolfer on Wed Mar 13, 2013 2:00 am

Well done Blue. Sounds like your Mum would have been very pleased with all the work you did in giving her a good send off.

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Re: My Sadness...

Post by oldshanker on Wed Mar 13, 2013 6:11 am

Well done Blue - I knew you would do the right thing.

It is humbling to see the trouble that others will go to, to send off a friend in the 'right way'!

Kitty is no doubt as proud of you as she has ever been.
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Re: My Sadness...

Post by BlueCoverman on Mon Mar 18, 2013 8:29 am

Thanks all.

Spoke to my uncle in Brighton this weekend. He left Mum's wake in Essex for the 100 mile journey back at 3.45pm on Monday and got home at 5.00am on Tuesday morning after spending the night stuck on the M23 because of the snow! My aunt and her husband left later than he did for their journey back to Sussex, I'm a bit reluctant to phone her to see what time they got home!
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Re: My Sadness...

Post by BlueCoverman on Tue Mar 26, 2013 10:45 pm

My sister and I have a meeting with the family solicitors tomorrow for the reading of Mum's will. They are in Lewes, Sussex which is a 200 mile round trip so it is bit of a trek for us, but they are the solicitors that Dad always used.
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Re: My Sadness...

Post by 1GrumpyGolfer on Tue Mar 26, 2013 11:57 pm

Hopefully your journey won't be anywhere as difficult as your Uncle's.

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Re: My Sadness...

Post by BlueCoverman on Wed Mar 27, 2013 12:36 am

I'm taking plenty of provisions just in case!
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Re: My Sadness...

Post by BlueCoverman on Wed Oct 02, 2013 9:39 pm

I have got a funeral to go to today, one of my Mum's best friends and I'm finding it difficult to believe they have both gone within 6 months of each other.
 
I hoping I don't get too emotional, it will be the first funeral I have been to since Mum's. I am feeling a bit fragile this week as well, it would have been Mum's birthday on Friday. Flower
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Re: My Sadness...

Post by LadyPutt on Wed Oct 02, 2013 11:24 pm

Keep your chin up, Blue. It gets easier - believe me, and then you just have the good memories which you treasure for ever. Hug
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Re: My Sadness...

Post by 1GrumpyGolfer on Thu Oct 03, 2013 12:19 am

Echoing LP's comments Blue. Stay strong but there's nothing wrong with grieving for your Mum.

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Re: My Sadness...

Post by BlueCoverman on Fri Oct 04, 2013 6:06 pm

Love on your birthday Mum Flower
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Re: My Sadness...

Post by BlueCoverman on Sat Feb 22, 2014 1:14 am

The first anniversary of Mum's death on Sunday, I can't quite believe that it is a year since she has gone.
 
It is now exactly 6 years since Dad was diagnosed with dementia and his disease has deteriorated to a point where he can no longer stand. The carer's can only move him with the aid of a hoist to get him from his bed to a chair, which is pretty distressing to see. He usually still smiles when we go into his room but his vocabulary is restricted to just the odd word or two now and never anything that makes any sense. I often wonder if he remembers Mum and worries why she isn't there, I really hope that isn't the case.
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Re: My Sadness...

Post by Mary_S on Sun Feb 23, 2014 7:39 pm

My thoughts are with you on this difficult day, Blue.
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Re: My Sadness...

Post by LadyPutt on Mon Feb 24, 2014 12:27 am

Much as I miss my parents dreadfully, there are times when I am glad they are not here and suffering any more. My thoughts and feelings go out to you, Blue.  Hug
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Re: My Sadness...

Post by 1GrumpyGolfer on Mon Feb 24, 2014 12:49 am

Remember the good times Blue. Best wishes to you and your family.

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Re: My Sadness...

Post by BlueCoverman on Mon Feb 24, 2014 11:27 pm

Thanks all, Mary I hope that your brother's health has now improved.
 
We went to the churchyard in the morning and placed some fresh flowers on Mum's grave. The kids came with us as well, I know they both really miss their Nan she had been an important part of their lives and they used to see her nearly every day.
 
In the afternoon Mrs Blue and I visited the sanctuary room at the hospice in Chelmsford where Mum spent her last few days. It is a beautiful place where you can light candles in remembrance of your loved one and take time to reflect in a quiet, peaceful atmosphere. There are also books of memorial open at the appropriate date, showing the names of people who had passed away at the hospice on this date over the years. It kind of felt the right place to be for an hour or so after we had visited Mum's grave.
 
We ended the day spending a couple of hours with Dad at the nursing home. He was, of course, blissfully unaware of this sad anniversary.
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Re: My Sadness...

Post by BlueCoverman on Wed Apr 23, 2014 10:40 pm

The manager at Dad's care home left last October and following on from that a few key members of staff have also moved on to new jobs elsewhere. Subsequently the standard of care at the home has declined and there have been monthly meetings between unhappy relatives and the senior management of the home to try and improve the situation.  
 
Last month we decided to seek alternative accommodation for Dad and we found a care home that, although further away from us in distance is almost brand new and seems more professionally operated and superior in every way.
 
Dad was moved there by ambulance last week. Having got him settled into his new room he looked around, then looked at us and said, "Where's Kitty?"
 
Brought a lump to my throat I don't mind admitting. It was the first time I have heard him mention her name in about 2 years.
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Re: My Sadness...

Post by BlueCoverman on Sat Mar 21, 2015 11:10 am

It is with much sadness and deep regret that I have to tell anyone who stills reads this golf-chat site that my Father passed away earlier today.

Yesterday at his care home at around 5.30pm he went into cardiac arrest and stopped breathing. The paramedics were there quickly and despite Dad having 'Do Not Resuscitate' on his medical records proceeded to give him CPR. They gave him oxygen and pumped him full of adrenalin and jolted his chest with the electric paddles FOUR times. When we arrived at 6.30pm they told us that he now had a faint pulse and was breathing again but was in an state of unconsciousness from which he would not recover. Their last comment to us as they left was "Sorry, you are in for a long night".

What followed was horrendous for Dad and unbelievably harrowing for us the family who were around his bedside. He convulsed, he went into spasms, he was very vocal in obvious pain and distress. Each time he he had a convulsion his tongue jammed between his teeth and blood poured from his mouth. The doctor that came out to him at 8pm did not carry any morphine and could not arrange to get any until lunchtime today! He stopped breathing, losing all his colour on three occasions and each time we thought he had gone he would then jolt with a spasm, make a horrible noise and his pulse would start up again. Finally at 5.45pm tonight he stopped breathing once more and this time he slipped away.

Now I don't want to have a go at anybody, these people do a difficult job and one that I could never do. But I cannot for the life of me think why they would try and resuscitate an elderly gentleman in the later stages of dementia who had a twin heart-bypass in 1997 and whose medical notes clearly showed DNR. Why would they do that? Dad effectively died at 5.30pm on Thursday night. Following their intervention he survived just one more day but in pain, fear and distress and we had to endure that with him and being powerless to help him. It's bad enough to lose him, but to see him like that at the end was horrible, just horrific.
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Re: My Sadness...

Post by 1GrumpyGolfer on Sat Mar 21, 2015 1:40 pm

Blue, that's awful I'm so sorry. My condolences to you and your family. Thinking of you at this sad time. Grumps Hug

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Re: My Sadness...

Post by Davie on Sat Mar 21, 2015 4:07 pm

Jeez Blue - that's terrible. Questions should be asked, but only once you've grieved properly as a family. Sincere condolences to you and all your family Hug
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Re: My Sadness...

Post by Mary_S on Sat Mar 21, 2015 8:17 pm

Blue, my thoughts and condolences are with you and your family. I'm so sorry to hear of the passing of your Father, and the awful circumstances which arose.

Draw strength from your family, and, when the time is right for you, people can be called to account.

Take care.

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