My Sadness...

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My Dad was diagnosed with the curse that is dementia in 2008. I have mentioned it on here previously and have corresponded privately with Old Shanker whose own Father suffered a similar fate. Having seen him deteriorate from the brilliant, intelligent and articulate man that he was to a point where he had to be admitted to hospital in late January was something that I have found incredibly difficult and upsetting. Now six weeks later we try and get to the hospital to see him on most days.

My only small crumb of comfort was that my Mother, who has done a fantastic job as his main carer, could start to get her own life back a little. A very social and entertaining lady, she has many interests and a wide circle of friends. In late February after a routine visit to her GP, a blood test showed some worrying results. An Ultrasound scan and a CT scan followed and yesterday we received the devastating news that she is suffering with cancer of the pancreas. The despair and desperation that I feel for her this morning, so soon after Dad's decline, is difficult to describe.

I know that most of us have to face up to sadness at some time in our lives. I read Doc's moving story of the loss of his daughter recently and LadyPutt mentioned losing her Mother to the same disease as my mine. However, I fear that there are some dark days ahead and I feel completely unprepared to cope. Thanks for reading

Thanks Grumps, the results were not quite as bad as we were expecting. The tumour has not noticably increased in size although there is a little more cancer in Mum's liver.

We asked about the steroids that are causing bloating but the oncologist said that Mum would quickly deteriorate without them. I asked if there was any other treatment we could consider but he said none that he would recommend because of the side effects. The advice was to continue as we are and he will see her again in 3 months. Hopefully Mum will get through the winter without picking up any infections or viruses.

That sounds like there was some good news there Blue. Hope your Mum stays clear of colds and what have you throughout the winter. Sounds like you'll be able to enjoy a good family Christmas.

Good news - treasure every moment.

Pleased to hear that things weren't as bad as expected. Hope that your family can all enjoy the Christmas holiday time.

Within every time of celebration, there are moments of reflection. One of my moments this year will be for your mother and her strong son.

Thank you ladies and oldshanker.

I am sure that there will be moments of reflection for me also over Christmas and I will be certainly raising a glass for a silent toast to everybody who has offered me their support, friendship and helpful advice on this thread. This has been a source of much benefit and comfort to me in what has been mostly a difficult and sad year and I sincerely thank you all for it.

I wish you all and your families a very happy Christmas and a peaceful and healthy New Year.

Merry Christmas to you too Blue - make the most of it and I hope you get lots of quality time with your Mum and your Dad

Merry Christmas Blue, I hope you have a wonderful day with the family around you. Enjoy it, a glass of something or other will be raised this side of the Atlantic to you.

I wish all the other GolfChat posters and readers, past and present, a wonderful Christmas. Grumps

Unfortunately Mum got to see the Invoice for the cost of her care for December earlier this week. Very unhappy and upset by the amount being charged, as I knew she would be.

Anyway the end result is that she wants to reduce the amount of time the carer is with her to lessen the cost. Today is the first afternoon when she will be on her own. Can't say that I am very happy about the prospect of there not being anyone with her for 5 hours, but I guess I will have to abide by her wishes.

Sorry to hear that BCM. Does she have a Linkline panic button or something similar? At least then she can alert someone if she needs help. It must be a very worrying time for you and all your family.

Yes she does have a panic button LP and all our mobile numbers. Just not the same as someone being there though

Sorry to hear that Blue. Fingers crossed for you and your family.

Oh dear, that's not good news Blue. Hopefully your Mum will contact somebody if the need arises, I know that sometimes they don't like to "bother people".

Sorry to say that Mum has been getting increasingly frail and started to suffer dreadful abdominal pain which has been distressing to see. On the advice of her Doctor she was admitted to Farleigh Hospice in Chelmsford yesterday for assessment of her condition and her medication, we have just got home after spending most of the weekend there with her. They started her on a low dose of a morphine based drug this morning to help control her pain.

I am in a bit of a mess, I don't mind admitting it. I had hoped I would find it easier to deal with as time has gone on, I am actually finding the reverse to be the case.

So sorry to hear that Blue. Advice has not changed - be strong, we are all with you.

Can't remember, do you have a sibling? They can be just the right sized shoulder if one is needed.

Thanks oldshanker. Yes I have a sister, unfortunately she has been skiing in Austria with her family this week, just flown back to the UK tonight, so obviously she has not had a very nice last couple of days to her holiday.

Mum's consultant/specialist sees her in the morning. My sister, myself and my wife then have a meeting with them at 2pm. Can't say that I am looking forward to it.

Thoughts are with you Blue.

Blue, I'm so sorry to hear that. Thoughts are with you and your family

Blue, she is in the best place as the hospice service is excellent. The staff there will be a great support to you and your family as well so make use of their expertise too. You will need their help as much as your mum does in the coming weeks. I have been there - I know.

Yes I agree that she is in the best place LP, it is just that it is very difficult because she just wants to be at home

Just back from a bit of a disappointing meeting with the Doctor, very non-committal and a bit contradictory at times. Got more information from the nurses to be honest.

Sounds terribly frustrating Blue, chin up mate. How about your MacMillan nurse? Would they be able to find out more information for you?

Another meeting with another Doctor tomorrow afternoon. Mum very weak and in quite considerable pain tonight, I am really worried now

Blue, fingers crossed for your mum, your family and you tomorrow. Stay strong mate.

Blue - hope that your Mum will be more comfortable today. Thinking of you and your family.

Prognosis is weeks

Oh I'm so sorry to hear that Blue. Unfortunately as you know, I've been there and it is never easy to know what to say.

All I can think of is - I hope your Mum stays as comfortable as possible and doesn't fret too much.

I hope you and yours manage to give and receive the strength you all will need.

Yep what the others say Blue. OS is right it is never easy to know the words at times like this even having been through it myself

All I would say is that once the medical verdict has come to this, you hope (and pray if that is your thing) that it passes quickly. Not an easy message to hear I'm sure but when the doctors say things like that then the sooner the suffering ends, the better.

Be strong for your Mum and don't let her see how worried you are. She will probably know and will be worrying about the rest of you! Smile when you can, even laugh when possible and make her final weeks as happy as possible. Thoughts with you and all your family - I'm sure you can do it

Blue, I'm so sorry. I just hope that your mum is as comfortable as possible and that you can spend as much time together as a family as possible. Stay strong mate, thoughts are with your and family.

Not sure what else to say .....

Blue keep your chin up mate. It would have been my daughters birthday yesterday so a bit weird here as we've just gotten through the first Xmas without her, especially when it happened on Xmas Day and then a month or so later a birthday. I try and look on the bright side as it was a cheaper Xmas and I also saved on her birthday pressy Well not really as we are making an annual donation to the hospice, which she loved

Said it before mate on here, I know what you're going through and it will always be there.

I hope that you are able to enjoy the time with your Mum as much as is possible in the circumstances. Thinking of you.

Thanks all, can't say that I feel very strong at the moment.

Sorry to say that Mum deteriorated further overnight and we have just got back from the hospice after spending most of the day and all evening with her. I won't go into details but lets just say there were periods today that were very distressing to see.

We had a meeting this afternoon with another Doctor who saw and assessed Mum this morning. She gave a prognosis of days rather than weeks

Blue - My work involves dealing with the general public and the average age of my clients is 75+. There is not a week goes past where I do not lose one of them or a partner and over the years I have got very close to them. I will be in tears with someone at least once a month and go to a number of funerals.

Every single one of them would be eternally grateful to have a strong supportive son like you and their family around them when the time comes and yes they would all like to 'slip away' with the minimum of fuss, but not everyone is granted that luxury.

The coming time will be difficult for you and your family. If the worst happens, do not hold back on your emotions, remember the good times and be aware that in their grief, someone will say something that they do not really mean (been there)!

Thinking of you

I am very sorry to read about your Mum's poor health Blue. I cannot begin to imagine what you and your family are going through.

I've heard this read or sung at Christenings before. I know these are different circumstances for you, but I immediately thought of it and hope they might provide a few words of comfort:

The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.

Blue, thinking of you and your family

Blue, thinking of you at this difficult time Buddy, I had to go through this with my mother when I was just 14. Keep strong for her.

I am desperately sad and extremely sorry to have to tell you all that my much loved and cherished Mum passed away at 2.15pm this afternoon whilst I held her hand. She had fought a brief but brave and determined battle with pancreatic cancer which was diagnosed almost a year ago to the day.

Her name was CATHERINE but she was always known as 'KITTY'. She was a loyal and loving wife to my Dad JOHN for 56 years. She was a wonderful mother to myself and my sister MARGARET and a warm, caring and generous Nan to her four Grandchildren GEMMA, VICTORIA, JAMES and AMY.

She was a lovely, elegant and beautiful lady and I loved her very much. I will miss her more than words can ever say.

Blue, I am so sorry. My condolences to you and your family. Thinking of you at this sad time. Grumps

Blue, I am so sorry to hear your news. Your Mum sounds like a lovely person, who has left many good memories for her family to cherish. Thinking of you and your family.

Very sorry to hear that Blue. May Kitty now rest in peace

Like all the other contributors on this ultimately very sad thread, I feel I know Kitty in some small way.

We have followed her struggle over the last 14 or so months, been uplifted by the (all too few) high points and cried with a fine son over the low points! With all that was going on, she was determined to retain her independence and grace for as long as possible.

Blue - through your grief, you and your family can hold your heads up high in the knowledge that you did everything possible to make Kitty's last months, at least bearable.

Enjoy your memories of her, I know I will.

So sorry, Blue. Cherish the memories - but I know you will do that. Thankfully she did not suffer for too long as I know this is such a nasty form of the disease.

oldshanker wrote:Like all the other contributors on this ultimately very sad thread, I feel I know Kitty in some small way.

We have followed her struggle over the last 14 or so months, been uplifted by the (all too few) high points and cried with a fine son over the low points! With all that was going on, she was determined to retain her independence and grace for as long as possible.

Blue - through your grief, you and your family can hold your heads up high in the knowledge that you did everything possible to make Kitty's last months, at least bearable.

Enjoy your memories of her, I know I will.

100% agree with the sentiment posted by shanks. So sorry mate.

Thanks very much to you all for your messages.

It is exactly one year ago today that Mum was diagnosed with cancer of the pancreas. Although there have been huge improvements in the treatment for most cancers for pancreatic cancer only 20% of people survive more than 1 year after diagnosis. Rather surprisingly this dreadful statistic has not improved in the last 40 years. Only 3% are still alive after 5 years.

Two weeks ago today I would have said that my Mum was definitely going to be one of those 20%. We took her in the evening to my daughters school where there was a fashion show and Amy was one of the models on the catwalk. Mum really enjoyed herself and although I held her hand for her last 24 hours I still can't quite believe that she has gone

Must confess I haven't been in the office much this week. Spoke to the Vicar on Tuesday as Mum's funeral will be at the Church in the village. Yesterday we went and registered Mum's death and we also used the 'Tell Us Once' service which saves having to advise endless government and council departments individually.

We then met with the owners of the venue where Mum's wake will be held which is an absolutely beautiful place. We estimate there will be around 150 mourners attending. Today we had the first meeting with the funeral directors, probably looking at Monday 11th March as the date for the service.

Desperately trying to decide whether to try and get Dad to the funeral. He was diagnosed with dementia exactly 5 years ago this month and now cannot stand or say more than the odd word. The nursing home will provide a carer to accompany him if we arrange the transport. Obviously I don't want to do anything that will distress him but I think if he would want to be there, they were married for 56 years. Any advice anyone?

Blue - just talking initially about the mechanics of working with death certificates. With both of my parents, I needed to have official copies made up by the registrar as no-one will accept photocopies and the most difficult was the Premium Bonds!

As to your Father, does he remember or try to talk about your mother? Does he remember you? If so would he be sitting with you during the service. Would he gain anything from being there, or would you just be arranging it because it feels like the right thing for you to do as his son?

I know how my father was with dementia and he was possibly not as far gone as your father is. However, he would have just been confused in that environment as it would have meant nothing to him and he had been removed from his 'safe' place.

My opinion, if your father remembers your mother and is aware of her death and where he is, then regardless of any potential distress it may cause him, he should be there surrounded by his family.

If not, then I suspect the only person who will be distressed will be you.

Not easy!

Very sound advice, OS. I heartily agree with you.

Blue - we had the most amazing wake for my mother (who, as you know, died of the same pancreatic cancer as your mum). It was some weeks after the actual funeral - which was a strange affair because my mother did not have religious belief and so it was a "non" service for just immediate family. Everyone who attended the wake spent the time saying how much she would have enjoyed it (!) and then, as we were near Bournempouth Airport at the time, we were treated to an impromptu fly-past by her favourite Red Arrows who were based there for an event that weekend (no, we didn't arrange it specially).

My Dad enjoyed it so much that he said she he died, which he did a few years later, he wanted one as well - and we did it. Now I have said the same, so has my brother and also my husband. Remembering the good times is the best way to get through all this.

I'm not sure if I am doing the right or wrong thing but I am going to take him. Arranged today for a nurse to accompany him on the day and funeral director will arrange the specialist transport on Monday (Dad is in a wheelchair now and can only be moved with the aid of a hoist) Funeral has now been confirmed for Monday 11th March.

Blue - I hope it goes as well as those days can go.

I wish a peaceful day for you and your loved ones

K