Jokes

Thought I'd start a joke thread without the censorship of v2 mods.

Just got back from my French self defence class, I'm knackered, I've never run that far in my life!

Over to you...

My Wife came home she said "Bob Holness is dead", I said, "Who's that", She said, "He was in Blockbuster's", I said, "Fuck me, How long was the queue?".

Apparently the buffet at Kim Jong-il's funeral was the dogs bollocks

The setting is an Irish Pub

"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back
home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord
goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll
buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, at my local in London, the Red
Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first
two."

"Ahhh, dat's nuttin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favourite
pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink,
then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had
enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid,
all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The
Irishman swore every word was true.

Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, but it did happen
to me sister quite a few times.

What's the difference between my TV Remote and France?

My TV remote still has its triple A.

Husband says to wife "sorry love but we are so hard up that you are going to have to go on the game", "Ok" she said, "How much do you think I should charge?" " I suggest £100" he said.

Next night husband drops her on the street corner and parks a little way up the road. After a few minutes a car stops and in she gets. "How much do you charge?" said the bloke. "£100 to screw me" she replied. "I've only got £20" he said. "Wait here a minute" she said and ran up to where husband is parked. "He's only got £20, what can I do for that?" she asked. "Give him a hand job" said her husband.

She ran back to the blokes car and said "I'll give you a hand job for £20 if you like" The bloke readily agreed, unzipped his trousers and pulled out the biggest dick she had ever seen. "Hang on a moment" she said and ran back to husbands car.

"What now?" asked her husband. "Can you lend him 80 quid", she replied!

The man at the suicide clinic in Switzerland asked what was for breakfast on his final day.

Cheerios.

A young boy was sat in class scratching his crotch. Teacher asked him what was wrong, and the boy replied that he had recently been circumcised and it was itchy. Teacher tells him to go to the office and ring his mum for advice. The boy comes back into class with his cock hanging out. "What on earth are you doing"!!! Boy replies that his mum said to stick it out until lunch and she'd come and get him.

My wife was mortified when her PIP breast implant ruptured and began slowly leaking industrial grade silicone! However, she's now had her nipple pierced and we've been able to seal around the bath, shower tray and hand basin!!

What's got four legs and more money than Ranger's?

Harry Redknapps dog.

The scouse fans last night at Anfield as the cat who ran onto the pitch stopped the game, the started singing "Harry's into the kitty again ..."

ARE YOU INSURED FOR SEX?

Make sure you get the correct insurance for the sex you are having. Below you will find a list of companies, catering for most tastes:-

1. Sex with wife: Legal & General
2. Sex on the phone: Direct Line
3. Sex with partner: Standard Life
4. Sex with someone different: Go Compare
5. Sex with a fat bird: More Than
6. Sex in a car: Sheila's Wheels
7. Sex with a posh bird: Privileged
8. Sex with a tranny: Confused.com

Jay Leno (Tonight Show) went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience.

There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah.

It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte!! They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.

Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down'.. And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment... 'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'

Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

Stevie Nicks of Fleetwood Mac has married William Shatner of Star Trek

She will now be known as Stevie Shatner-Nicks

Davie wrote:Stevie Nicks of Fleetwood Mac has married William Shatner of Star Trek

She will now be known as Stevie Shatner-Nicks

Groan! Need a tumble weed emoticon for that one Davie. I'll settle for this

raycastleunited wrote:Groan! Need a tumble weed emoticon for that one Davie. I'll settle for this

Good point r_c_u.

Davie, how do we get more emoticons and get rid of the lousy ones? (Lousy ones... where???) (Ahem... Der Santy Claus one)

If you find me links to emoticons you want I'll add them!

Davie wrote:If you find me links to emoticons you want I'll add them!

Super. Maybe the rest of us can start scavenger hunting for those suckers.

Start a thread in the announcement section and I'll gather them from there

You can also tell me which ones you want removed (though I don't think it hurts to have Santa and Rudolph there to be used once a year!

We do have our Easter Bunny specially for LJ